Struggles

I have easy days and then I have hard days. Today, is definitely a hard day. Maybe it also doesn't help that I'm sick and did not go to church. First time I have missed and I'm definitely feeling the effects of it.

 It's some times so hard to not be angry. I don't understand anything. I don't understand how there can be so much love and so many wonderful memories and yet they are all clouded by all of the horrible things that happened and all of the horrible things that were said. It's hard to imagine that in a blink of an eye everything can go so sour so fast. How sacred covenants made can become so unimportant to some people and can be taken for granted. Most days I am great. Today, well, today I hurt. My mind keeps replaying all of the hurtful and piercing words that were said.  After hearing every day that I was not capable of being loved along with other hurtful things I still hoped that one day we would wake up from this nightmare and be the people that we were. Some days I miss my best friend, I miss when times were good. I miss when we laughed and could be completely open and vulnerable with each other and lay side by side talking about everything under the sun. It's hard to know that he's moved on so fast and could leave with no hesitation. 

I probably sound incredibly ungrateful and I'm sorry for that. I am so grateful for all of the opportunities that I have been given and for the amazing people that I have had the pleasure of letting into my life as of lately. I have some really incredible people in my life. I have two wonderful jobs and I have made many new changes in my life of things that I always wanted to do. I have every reason to be happy and grateful so I don't know what my problem is today.